I am certain that I would not be at the Fellowship House (CLDI’s urban internship program) if not for my wife. Before we got married we had talked in very unspecific terms about doing some sort of spiritual formation or discipleship program early in our marriage before we became tied down to a job or family, which might have prevented us from going. After agreeing wholeheartedly that we ought to do something like this, I began my slide away from my love of God, and in some ways very much regretted having agreed to such a ridiculous idea. But my wife never gave up the vision.
When the opportunity presented itself for us to come out here, I reacted (internally) like a cat getting thrown in the bathtub. In my mind, even when I had agreed to the general principle of doing an internship, I had pictured something like two or four months living in the woods with other Christians and going on long walks and spending a few days in total solitude and things like that… and now I find out that she wants to do an internship that is nearly a year long and involves living among the poor (of all people!), in a dangerous neighborhood, in Montana (of all places!). I had never imagined doing something like that before, and it was a very scary and daunting prospect.
And then God gave me just enough faith to say, “Ok. I am willing to do this.” But I was afraid. Afraid of the neighborhood. Afraid of the work I might have to do. Afraid of raising support money. Afraid of the community we would (or wouldn’t) find here. Afraid of being among a group of Christians when I didn’t know what to make of Christ. Afraid of coming out here and being changed, but more afraid of coming out here and remaining the same. And there were many others. Part of me only agreed to do it to make my wife happy, but there was also a part of me that was longing for a change, and a poor community in Billings was about as different as I would ever find.
And so I came to Billings, hesitantly yet enthusiastically, willingly yet doubtfully.
Now that we’ve been here for over a month, I still think we were a little bit crazy to come, but I think it has also been confirmed in my heart that this was the path laid before us, and it would have been a huge mistake not to have come. Already, many of my strongholds have been assaulted, some breached, and a few torn down entirely. It has been a season of pain and confusion coupled with renewed hope and longing. There are still many things I am trying to figure out, like how to really find my place within the body of believers here, as that sense of being grounded in a family would be incredibly helpful in my ability to engage in the wider community and not be quite so “isolationistic.” This feeling of real connection is my main concern moving forward from here. Until that can happen, I don’t know if I will be able to honestly say that I feel like I belong here, or that I have any right to engage with my neighbors. That desire for connection is made all the more powerful because the times I have felt most connected to the community here, a great example being guy time tonight, I have in turn found myself looking to and longing for Jesus more than I have in a long, long time. And that is the real purpose, I think, of being here: to know and love Jesus more.
The first month is Billings has already taught me much. I am looking forward with open hands to whatever the next eight may hold.
CLDI Intern
October 2012
